Berlin baby

A few weeks ago I decided I needed a break. Cancelled everything, turned off my phone and took the first available plane to Berlin. And boy, did I need it. Lately there's been so much drama going on, from buying the house to people who should support me in buying a house turning their backs on me. Also, and I do not admit this gladly, my job is driving me crazy. Not my job and not the kids, how I love the kids. But the insecurity that comes along with it. Not knowing whether or not I'll have a job next week (while writing this) is killing me. My contract is monthly. So every last week of the term, I freak out and go into complete panic mode. But it's more than that. I don't even know if I'll have a job next school year, or what courses I'll be teaching or where I'll be teaching those courses. A little bit more security for young teachers really wouldn't hurt anyone. And also, whoever said that by growing older all the parental drama would solve itself should hit him/herself in the face, hard, with a baseball bat. It doesn't get better. In fact, it got more complicated, if that was possible somehow. All this took me to a point where I felt like I could start crying in the middle of a store when my favourite chips weren't in stock. Oh wait, that did happen. So, Berlin it was. 

First time I visited this city was back in 2013 when I failed my thesis and I felt my whole word crumble underneath my feet. I came unprepared but the city took me in nonetheless. I fell in love with its flow and sometimes I do feel like just grabbing my bags and move. Whenever I'm in Berlin, I never feel like I don't fit in. Everyone is so accepting. And yes, even at 26, these are still the things that keep me up at night. Sounds silly right? But try living in Kortrijk, the most judgmental city of them all. If you're not a rich kid who got everything just by being born in the right family, you'll probably won't be making friends anytime soon. Or at least that's what my heart tells me about Kortrijk. Therefore returning from Berlin, or even Ghent, always hits me with a feeling of utter loneliness. Berlin soaks me up and puts me back out there. Knowing that I matter, knowing that writing this shit matters, that fighting for the causes I fight for, matters. Therefore, thank you Berlin. 

So, no food posts this time or places you definitely should visit (because everything in Berlin is worth visiting), just some snapshots I took with my phone. Because while I was in Berlin, I did go for a book hunt, drank too much coffee and ate the best kimchi around, with pink tofu. If there's one thing I've learned from this trip however, it's the fact that when my mind (and my body) tells me that I need to hit the brakes, I must hit them hard before needing to resort to the emergency brake. Take some time for me from time to time. Put myself first, no matter how selfish that may sound. So excuse me if your drama can't play with my drama for a while. 

 

 

Bitch I'm back.

I don't know if it's okay to steal the Queen's lyrics or not. If it is, please Beyoncé, sue me and meanwhile we can have a chat about the fact that veganism is more than just tight abs. But ever since the Formation song hit the world wide web, the title of this blogpost has been stuck in my head and it just seemed to be the perfect opening line for my reappearance after a month of absence. Because, yes I am back. Yes, I have neglected this blog and yes I have left you all in the dark about my whereabouts and the state of mind I was in.

I had to take a break, I just had to. And no, I'm not apologising in any way for that. You know, when you reach that tipping point where you feel like if you don't handle your situation you're literally going to explode and pour your emotions all over the place? If you don't, I do hope for you wellbeing that you never reach it. Because I have and boy, I was bound to crash. Hard. Face first. Would've been ugly. But I hit the breaks just in time and decided that what I needed, really needed, was some good old time alone. Alone alone. I took some time off, not only from the social media, but from social life itself. I retreated into reading, coffee drinking, wandering through Berlin and not having anyone over for a while. I sought out help to clear my mind, to handle my thoughts and to get some structure into this chaotic head of mine. I'm a very pessimistic person even though you wouldn't add this to my list of characteristics if you met me. I see things in black and white. I overthink. I always see the worst in situations. I believe no one ever has good intentions. I believe I'm bound to fail at some point. And when people feed those emotions and thoughts by giving you the hardest of times, nothing good is going to come of it. I'm still struggling and still trying to figure out what works best for me. But, I do feel like I could make it. Like I could be this version of me I want people to see when they look at me.

I've been thinking about what to do with this blog as well. I started this adventure to inform you, my dearest readers, on my journey towards going full on vegan. Well, I've reached that point where I annoy the shit out of people because I do care for E-numbers. So in terms of vegan goals, I think I've reached the highest level. However, I still feel like I need a place to write down my thoughts, a place where I can share my story. And while my blog will always be a vegan lifestyle blog, I feel like it's time to open up myself a bit and talk a bit more about my personal life. For you, my dearest readers, not much will be changing. For me however, just by writing this down, a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I need to focus more on what I want to do and less on what people expect me to do. It feels good to tell you this and I do hope you'll continue to follow me on my crazy adventures and read all my stories with just the same amount of joy like you always have.

With love,
Elien